This note helped me tremendously. It helps me to understand a little bit more why and what is happening. It helps me to understand I am NOT crazy, or a bitch. This is anonymous for a reason. This friend poured out some real stuff. It really helped me. Thank you. xo
Hey girl…just caught up on the blog and My heart’s aching for you (which doesn’t do dididly-squat for your pain & frustration).
In the world of hospitals I have nothing to say (not that words can always help-they can’t & that comes from an idolater of the written word)…so all I will say is, “I’m so sorry. It fucking sucks. Bad” (sometimes grammar rules gotta be dropped 😉
What I can say (from personal “health” experience less trying & zero comparison to you & Ash) sometimes it takes a medical emergency that needs a long haul commitment to your personal needs from family-doesn’t matter if you are wrong or right- all that matters is it’s how how YOU feel and how YOU see it. Period. It seems it’s at those times, when our energies & emotions have drained out and we just NEED our family to BE THERE w/out comment, control, their needs or feelings and give-wholeheartedly to us (even if our view is whacked out-it can even be psycho killer whacked -doesn’t matter) still need them to shut up & nod & hug & help hold our emotional bucket so we don’t lose it totally. What I found happened is they sold my emotional bucket and then blamed me for what they perceived as “right” and “best” while demanding my feelings align w/them. Lots of name calling & finger pointing that simply exhausted me and wore me out when I was already thread bare.
It was at this point I realized it was ok, no for my own mental & physical health but for the family I was responsible for (my kids & husband) I needed to make myself an emotional orphan. In order to really do that I had to cut myself off from the negative cycle I allowed them to pull me into. Period. So I did.
I won’t tell you that was the end for my emotions or I forgave them for their abandonment in my time of need….that came many MANY years later. It simply freed me to begin the journey of rewriting my inner “family” ideals.
Erin, you know my family! It was the hardest time of my life and my only “real” family simply couldn’t help me because they couldn’t take themselves out of the tapestry of my tornado and let me just BE while holding the cellar door open. They had demands & requirements of me that I couldn’t deal with-which lead to accusations. I had enough. I walked away and now I know it made all the difference in my life. Still does.
It’s still not easy…just less painful now and more peaceful. I’m stronger for it. I’m better for it! I still have moments of heartache and sadness – I wallow for a second then remind myself WHY it is I walked away and do a three way hug with my Inner Soul and Inner Peace knowing they would not be my almost constant spouses had I not done that.
Sister-that’s all I have. It might or might not have helped.
Yes, you might be physically alone but you know what, you can handle it if you are!!!! You are so much stronger…. Shitty timing to have to learn this lesson but you can do this. You have to, babes. Ash needs you. Your inner soul & “Erinness” needs you to.
One moment @ a time honey…one breath @ a time if you need to.
Pick up the phone & call the legion of people that do support you like that-even if from a distance.
Much love and prayers to you sweet, beautiful, FIGHTING Erin!