After a very long period of strife between Ashton’s Daddy and me, a long period of back and forth, on and off, I love you, I hate you, he came to my door and I was not very willing to let him in. I did, though, because he is the father of my child. Some people can relate to that. Some cannot. We never had a very long period of bliss, but when we did, it truly WAS.
He was absent for my pregnancy and absent for months and months at a time after he was born because we fought horribly. I can’t think of a single person I have ever had that kind of strife with. We would do the every-other-Saturday thing with the baby without overnights unless there was craziness. We effectively tortured one another. We disrespected one another. Depending on who’s camp you are in, it’s a toss up: who was more mean?
But he was there before and he was there after. I want Ashton to know that he came from love. We were in love. He loved me and I loved him. He pushed me to be a better person on many occasion. (He also pushed me to be awful and vice-versa) Not everyone works it out. People break up.
I got over it by the time Ashton was two. I let go completely and then he knocked on the door.
We helped each other in harmony for a couple of weeks. Harmony left. She briefly returned. And then she was replaced entirely by much sadness and fear.
I helped him. I failed to help him. Regardless of our strife, I know I could have broken down doors to make the outcome of many lives very different. I let things take their course. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I would have known what to do. I didn’t. So, my son lost his Dad, and a very dear woman lost her son.
What I have as memory is a three week period of goodness and forgiveness. If he had passed when we were fighting, it would have been much worse. We got the chance to go to the park with our son. We took him swimming. We watched him play like normal parents. So many people never get even an hour of that.
I, for one, am happy about this because I know it will mean so much when Ashton is older. I can barely recall my parents in the same room. No one has any happy memories to share. I choose to share the happy ones with Ashton.