So, to a small handful of people, it is apparent that I totally wigged out last night.
It was much akin to the Scott Situation. In that situation I spent months just “sort of” crying and feeling until one day I found myself screaming in my car. I was horrified that my throat went sore and I still kept driving down Hibbard Road in Winnetka.
It was what I needed, I suppose. To open the proverbial floodgates. I have avoided that once again because it is very uncomfortable to lose control. I have lost control twice since Ashton was released in to my care after his last surgery. The first was a plain old tantrum. Last night was scary.
I could not even get air and I would have screamed had I been in my car alone. Yet, I was on the couch and Ashton was sleeping nearby. The invisible vent was opened. it was weird. I was wanting to scream, but I could not get sound to come out. That, I reckon, is just what agony is.
That’s the stuff nightmares are made of.
My point? This seems much more serious than my mind let me realize. This morning, having finally slept a few hours, I have a tic in both eyes (not a tick). I have hives. No, I have not bathed. But!
I took Tay with Ashton and me to the Tractor Supply. Now, tell me how this Michigan Avenue woman with 300 dollar hair ended up at the tractor store. ( p.s.) my hair only costs 30 now.
Tay bought pretend chew. He is 7. He “packed his chew” like a man. He had $1:14. I made up the remaining 13 cents. It was beef jerky and I was kinda envious.
Our goal was fertilizer for the garden and twine to tie up the tomatoes which are about to EXPLODE out of our small area of planting. We planted too close as we are novice to this thing called eating from the ground.
I really love that store. It makes me want to buy Wranglers.
We fertilized. I keep staring at the corn to see if it turns greener. City girl is so clueless.
This what I know: these moments, when all is so uncertain, when the doctor who diagnosed Ashton is letting him go per my request, and the anxiety of that decision is so beyond frightening, we are continuing something that has not changed. Our garden continues to grow. Feelings or no feelings. Plants don’t feel. They just need a lot of attention.
We also continue. We continue to get up and sometimes bathe. These are the moments I will relish.