Floored

I am absolutely astounded by the donations made today. I am astounded by how many people shared our post to raise money for Ashton and the people who reached out to their own circle of friends to help him. At the beginning of the biggest tragedy, I have truly seen humanity and God working.  Thank you so much, all of you. I’ve been moved to tears more than several times today.

I was also moved to tears out of frustration, fear, love for all three of my kids (Lily and Blaise came from Winnetka today!), learning of the many resources available to us, in and outside the hospital.

I laughed today. I smiled today. I lost my temper today. I felt gratitude to my bones today. I got to kiss my Blaise on his head and listen to his nonsense and hug my daughter and sing with her and embarrass people with her by acting silly. And I was sad today because Ashton is becoming increasingly lethargic, though he IS tolerating the chemo very well. You can see it killing the bad cells, but, yes, the good ones, too.

This post doesn’t make any sense. This is the new normal. So many lives are being changed right now. I have never felt more lost or more aware.

Scott’s mom and I were talking and we were saying that we thought we were free and clear of agony for at least a decade after enduring Scott’s death and right when we were both coming up for air, so to speak, Ashton got sick. Though, NOT ONE TIME have I said this isn’t FAIR. Who am I to know what’s fair? I made a decision about 15-20 seconds after learning of Ashton’s cancer that it was GAME ON. I immediately got ready for a battle. Being in shock really helped.

I am grateful to be present emotionally for this, to have withstood a lot of pain in my life already. The pain I have felt before prepared me for this battle. I am stronger than I ever believed I could be. And Ashton, by being born of two of the most stubborn people on the planet, has a hell of a lot of fight in him. This child is meant to live.

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