Hot.

Is it hot in here or is it just Ashton?

Yeah. We finally tipped over in to sick mode. Not as bad as last time, but he “flirts with fever” and then spikes it over the net right when it’s my turn to go home for a night. Therefore, I feel sufficiently guilty. After all, who am I without guilt?

Any time I try to take care of ME, it backfires. I want to be in so many different places at once. Yesterday, I would have wanted to be at a barbeque. I would have wanted all of my heart to be together in one place and that hasn’t happened in a very long time. My heart consists of three people: my children. When I think of adding another component, I know I have enough to give but I immediately feel sorry for anyone who would dare love me. My baggage fills up an entire claim at O’Hare.

God, I miss my kids. Someday, in the Kingdom of Far, Far Away (Yes. I recently watched Shrek), everyone will understand. I am learning slowly, the impact that having a very sick person in your life has on a family. My older children will grow up to be more compassionate people. But, maybe they will grow up, also, wondering where their mother was.

On a lighter note, I started the lawn mower. O’ how I long for the days of Condominium Association Fees. The lawn was magically taken care of, even if we were a bit wary of being on said lawn for fear of a drive-by. I do NOT miss being an owner, I really just miss the sidewalk and the photographs that remind me of when I thought it was so difficult. I know, everyone has their own struggles. Difficulty means such different things to different folks and I would never minimalize anyone’s rightful difficulty. Difficult. I long for the days when it was difficult because I could not think of a way to pay my cable bill. God, the perspective this thing, Cancer, brings me.

I want to go back to last summer. I re-lived it last night through a song and realized another thing I took for granted, our reunion.

Just give me a reason.
Just a little bit’s enough.
Just a second, we’re not broken just bent,
And we can learn to love again.
It’s in the stars,
It’s been written in the scars on our hearts,
We’re not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again,

I’m sorry. I don’t understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine.
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again!
My dear, we still have everything!
And it’s all in your mind.
(Yeah, but this is happening.)

You’ve been having real bad dreams.

Oh, tear ducts and rust
I’ll fix it for us.
We’re collecting dust.
But our love’s enough!
You’re holding it in

No, nothing is as bad as it seems.

~Pink

What a prophetic song. The song which was ours last Summer. Again, if you were there I don’t need to explain it, if you weren’t there, well, I can try.

We were on this caravan through Ohio, and it is my most recent, most fond memory of absolute happiness. It was ridiculous.

The song became a family theme song by way of caravan. We were this hillbilly line of big- ass truck pulling giant motor home in front of big- ass truck pulling slightly smaller motor home in front of slightly smaller truck pulling boat with a trailer with no brake lights in front of me with my girl behind said trailer so Ryan wouldn’t get a ticket. Getting gas was a COMEDY OF ERRORS.

Anyway, we would we texting and driving, because that’s safe. Every time this song came on any channel someone would text what station we should turn to, and the PINK caravan rocked on.

We spread the kids out between cars to make this an enjoyable venture.

That was one year ago and I thought things were difficult.

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second! We’re not broken, just bent.

Pink.

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