It was so nice to have the Aunts and Nonni here yesterday at Dayton Children’s again. They kept me distracted and laughing (the three together are an absolute riot) while waiting for Ashton to come out of a quadruple-whammy surgery. It was also wonderful to have Mike here when we went to the ER and to have him stay here the whole day yesterday. I also love our AML support group on-line. It really validates the fact that everyone is worried and afraid, but it is different being a mother. Certainly not to dismiss anyone else’s tears or worry or feelings of helplessness. I do NOT want to say that at all.
Ashton had his Broviac removed and a new one put in on his right side. Also, a new entry point in an awkward place: his neck. So, he can barely move his neck without pain. On top of that, a spinal tap and bone aspiration and a new IV in his arm.
He went in surly as hell and apparently tried to get up off the table during the end of surgery.
We did make the most of every moment before settling back in here. He played outside all the way til we climbed in to the car yesterday. We had a mini-send-off by some boys and parents in the neighborhood. We sang all the way here.
So, now we just wait. He will start chemo today (round 3). I’m so grateful for the many concerned friends who have inquired as to his condition since Wednesday night when he conked his head.
If the voice in this blog sounds sad, or beaten, it’s just that I hate seeing him in pain and I am very sad for many reasons, not only Ashton. 99% Ashton, but 1% for having to put some relationships to rest. I know, in the end, its the best because I can’t be around dysfunction or respond in dysfunction or I will be of no help to Ashton or anyone.
I think I’m just depressed to be in here again. It’s lonely. I just need to switch back to hospital brain and stop crying about things beyond my control. And apparently, I am the meanest woman on the planet, so I have to stop being myself.