Some of it has been warranted (I feel). I have been pretty mean to people. Again, some of it has been warranted. I felt marginalized before I went ahead and SUPER MARGINALIZED myself because I felt marginalized. Does that even make sense? I could have handled it much differently. I could have sat down with the important people in my life and explained why I feel hurt and jealous about certain things instead of allowing them to turn in to rage. I wanted my babys’ ashes back from the sky because I FELT (does not mean it’s true) that it was not acknowledged that I opened his urn and gave people his ashes. Maybe I am thinking of it wrong. Maybe I am just a selfish person.
At times I have just been downright nasty. I have been using alcohol in Durango to numb out from the feelings of being out of control of literally everything. Well, that is over now. It hurts a lot more now. I was beginning to lose more (Cowboy). I was mean to him too. Truth is, I am very afraid. There are no apartments for rent and no jobs.
My daughter suggested I make a list of the things I accomplish.
Today I…was nice.
Today I…smiled at a couple of people.
Today I…became open to the fact that I may not be able to make this work.
Today I…acknowledged that I am an asshole. It is not just the opinion of some of my loved ones. I really am a mean person when I feel hurt and afraid.
Today…I cried, but I did not scream at the edge of a river and scare any fish.
Today…I allowed myself to be comforted.
Today I laughed very hard and then felt guilty for it. Today I felt guilty for existiuicideng.